Get all 22 Bradley Ryan releases available on Bandcamp and save 50%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Move On & Make Due, Heaven In Your Love // Hell In My Head, Radio - Single, A Graveyard In My Head, Once Worthless // Never Hopeless, Young Fresh Prince (Deluxe), Young Fresh Prince, We All Wish We Could Die Sometimes, and 14 more.
1. |
Eighteen
01:53
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I've always been a hopeless romantic
Just hopeful for the slightest bit of change
A clueless smile plastered on my face
And naivety coursing through my veins
What can I say? I was so young
You'd think I would hope for the best
Instead I've learned to brace
Myself for the absolute worst
Now I'm always armed with a pen
That I use alongside my sharp tongue
Just in case something goes wrong
And if you saw where I've been
Could you really blame me?
I was eighteen when we first met
I never believed in love at first sight
Until I saw your face for the first time
You were absolutely beautiful
But looks can be deceiving
And I saw you in the wrong light
You're just another mistake
On a list that keeps growing each day
It took three long years
To find some peace of mind
And come to terms with the fact that
I've made many mistakes in my life
But my mistakes haven't made me
I won't let you control my life
And I won't let you define me
You can try all you like
But you'll never get the best of me
Three years have passed since we first met
If only I could speak to you one more time
There's a lot I never got off my chest
I'll let you in on my biggest regret
It's that you walked away before I was able
To say any of this right to your face
But I'll have you know something
I'm not writing this for you
I'm writing this to let myself know
That it's okay to feel so bitter and upset
Words have the power to cut deep
I have the emotional scars to prove it
You deserve to hear every word I say
Just know that I'm not sorry for anything
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2. |
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You know, it's hard to believe sometimes
That I went from giving you the world
To not giving you a second of my time
I used to smile whenever I heard your name
But now my fist only clenches with rage
Because of how many times you've lied to me
Abandoned me or left me to die alone
Don't you remember when we were happy?
At one time, you felt the same
You loved me as much as I loved you
Relationships take two to survive
And only one to let it die
I watched in horror with my own eyes
As you stabbed me in the back
Then you walked out of my life
Wiping your hands clean of any bloodshed
And acting like nothing happened
How can you sleep at night
Knowing well that you abandoned me?
I loved you more than I loved myself
Was that not good enough for you?
I understand that people change
And God knows that I've changed so much
Over these last few years
You can miss so much of your life
If you do so much as just blink
I haven't been able to sleep for months
Maybe something's wrong with me
Because I do almost nothing but think
About whether or not what I did was right
That's what I get for having a conscious
Lately my heart and my mind have been at war
And I'm not sure which side to take
No matter what I do, I'm losing this fight
It's just I can't afford to lose anything anymore
Or go through one more heartbreak
I've already taken so many hits
I just wish things didn't have to change
But sometimes you just have to accept defeat
And make the best of it
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3. |
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I've lost a lot of friends in the last few years
Make no mistake, none of them are dead
It's just that I'm dead to all of them
My bed is a coffin, my room is a grave
Just lock the door and leave me alone
Since everyone I love eventually disappears
My former friends tell me they keep seeing red
I don't know if it's because I'm bleeding
Or because they're annoyed with my actions
Trust me, I know why they abandoned me
And I can't blame them at all
If were them, I'd abandon me, too
All they were trying to do was warn me
But I wouldn't heed their advice
To sever ties with a woman I loved
How is it everyone could see her true colors,
But I wasn't looking at the same hue?
You have no idea how many times I've heard
"Well, I hate to say I told you so"
I hear it in every conversation
I'm well aware I paid the price
For keeping my head above water
Even when our relationship started sinking
I should have swam for shore
As soon as I saw the storm's creation
But that's not how I was raised
Never give up when times are tough
Even when you don't want to fight anymore
Nothing worth having comes easy
You'll do anything for the ones you love
But sometimes love just isn't enough
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4. |
Brothers and Sisters
01:13
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Although I've lost many friends
Because of my own foolish mistakes
I must give thanks to those who have stayed
And those who have never left my side
Even when my heart and my mind have strayed
Thank you all for being apart of my life
I never meant to push anyone away
But I finally know what it's like to feel alone
No one understanding your pain
I spend most of my time circling my own mind
But I've learned to take comfort in it
If I tell myself enough that I'm not insane
Does that mean I'm merely lying to myself
Or that I'm absolutely fine?
Just because I prefer the company of me, myself, and I
Doesn't mean that I've always felt alone
You can feel alone in a crowded room
And that's how I've felt for years
But the sound of small talk masks my screaming
Even when I've felt completely alone
And faced with my darkest moments,
At least one of you has come to my rescue
And I can't thank you enough
You're all brothers and sisters to me
Some of you may be miles away
But as far as I'm concerned
I'll never be alone again
Distance never transcends love
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5. |
Accepting Defeat
01:19
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I've always been scared of falling in love
Because falling implies losing your balance
You don't want to fall headfirst
You'll make a mess on the concrete
But what if you get pushed over the edge?
Will somebody be there to catch you?
Maybe it was my fault she walked away
Maybe everything I did wasn't good enough
I should really stop beating myself up over this
My eyes are already black and blue
Life keeps pushing me down
I'm just too tired to keep taking hits
Sometimes you just need to accept defeat
In order to move on with your life
I haven't been myself these last few years
I don’t even know who I am anymore
I've tried to explain my situation
But no one ever has the time to listen
I've been running around my own mind
Looking for any kind of salvation
Every time I think I've found a way out
It's only led to another locked door
When one door closes, another should open
But how can I know what I'm supposed to find
When I haven't seen it with my own eyes?
It turns out I knew the answer all along
All it took was just acceptance
There's nothing I can do to change the past
And instead of always dwelling on it
All I can really do is move on
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6. |
I Don't Miss You Anymore
01:00
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Before I say anything else,
Let me make something clear to you
I don't miss you anymore
I'm fine with you out of my life
I suppose I just miss what we had
We were happy at one point in time
But those memories don't mean a thing
When you did nothing but lie to my face
I know I can't change the past
But one thought keeps crossing my mind
I wish you weren't the one I fell for
Be honest with me, darling
Did you mean a single word you said?
Our first conversation is a blur to me
But I'll have trouble forgetting our last
I'll always remember how I felt
When you told me you never cared
My heart tightened in my chest
I was so angry but that's when I knew
Our love was finally dead
And if there's one thing I learned
In the aftermath of your sudden absence
It's that I've come to accept that I deserve the best
And it sure as hell was never you
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7. |
Alone But Alive
03:40
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During these last three years
I've gone through a vast array of emotions
Ranging from happiness to hatred
All regarding the same person
I didn't know it was possible
For someone to reveal every side of you
Even the ones you don't want them to see
My eyes feel alone in a crowded room
My bones feel like they have been broken
My mind feels tired of fighting a losing battle
My heart feels increasingly bitter
Towards the way you said goodbye
You may have given up on us
But I'll never let you take the best of me
Don't you dare call me a quitter
I might be alone in my own mind
At least I can take solace in knowing I'm still alive
It's going to take some time
But I'll put myself back together
Even if it has to be piece by piece
I don't care how intricate I have to be
Even if it ends up taking forever
Just as long as I find some inner peace
If one day you decide to hear this
I don't know where you'll be when that happens
I'm not sure if that really matters, though
You deserve to hear every single word I'm saying
But I'm not writing this for you
That's a fact I never want you to forget
You're not worth the ink in my pen
Or the words in my head
There are some things that you still must know
Including how you're my biggest regret
I just need a way to vent my frustrations
I don't know who I'm more angry with
You or the man that stares back at me in the mirror
There's no excuse for what you did
But there's no excuse for why I let it happen
Maybe it was because I was in love
I don't really know what love is anymore
But I'll cross that bridge when I get there
I'm just looking forward to the day I move on
Instead of anger, I'll finally feel nothing
Whenever I hear your name in my ear
Maybe you won't cross my mind at all
Oh, how I'd love for that to become a reality
In the end, it's all I ask for
I don't expect this to happen overnight
But as long as I have my friends at my side
It'll take some time but I know I'll be alright
Last night, I swear you came to my house
And gave me nothing but a halfhearted apology
I couldn't understand a word you were saying
Between the lines I could read
I wasn’t sure if it was for everything you did
Or all the lies you told so perfectly
I wish you always told the truth
Because every word meant the world to me
Even when it was nothing but small talk
And I believed every "I love you"
I hung onto every conversation we ever had
Even when neither of us said a word
And all I heard was the sound of you breathing
Because you were fast asleep
I could never stop thinking just how lucky I was
But now I'm lucky to go a day
Without letting the lies you told cut deep
I stopped believing you months ago
I also couldn't believe you were apologizing
You're not the type to admit when you're wrong
Even though we both could see the evidence
Before you could admit that being mentally ill
Isn't an excuse you can use to justify your behavior
Let alone string somebody along
I opened my eyes to find it was all a dream
I wasn't surprised that you hadn't changed
There's no way you ever will
But that's not my problem anymore
Now I can dedicate all of my time
To bettering myself and finally moving on
Maybe one day you'll hear me scream
At top the of my lungs to the world
"I might be alone but I'm still alive"
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8. |
Through My Veins
01:05
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At one point when our lives intertwined
Your love had the power to make me feel alive
But now that you've left without a trace
I feel more alone than I have in years
You left me with so many questions
None of which I can find the answers to
But at the moment, I'm just trying to survive
Searching for any pieces I might have forgotten
In the rubble that was once our relationship
I really should have seen this coming
I saw the smile slowly disappear from your face
As I shook hands with my biggest fears
I never really wanted to lose you
But loneliness runs through my veins
I'm not sure why I thought you would stay
Maybe I just wanted to believe a lie
A lie that meant the world to me
A lie that I told myself every single day
I loved you more than myself
And it truly pains me to say
But I made the mistake of believing one thing
That you loved me the exact same way
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9. |
Distant
01:08
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I have to be honest with you, darling
I don't think I can take another day of this
Unless I'm okay with going insane
Then in that case, please never change
How we could go from being so in love
And ignoring the endless miles of state lines
To watching in horror as our hearts became colder
As we grew distant within each other's minds?
No longer can I hide from the obvious pain
And now my heart breaks in retrospect
Because I sat in complete silence
The moment I saw the early warning signs
Don't tell me I didn't try to save us
And don't you dare tell me I was the one who gave up
I screamed at the top of my lungs
It's not my fault you weren't the one listening
I did everything I possibly could
And the worst part is that it wasn’t good enough
I just wanted to feel good enough for once
As I thought we were getting closer to the end
But the tide rolled in, washing you away
And we became distant yet again
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10. |
Harder to Fall Asleep
01:54
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Ever since I was a small child
Looking at the world through innocent eyes
Love has always begged one question
How can I fall without knowing where I'll land?
That's where the beauty of loving another lies
Sometimes you just have to follow your heart
Even when your mind expresses objection
You can only hope for the best as you take the dive
Holding them close so you'll never drift apart
While trusting them to never let go of your hand
We're told to put faith in the things we can't see
And without a sense of unconditional trust
A relationship will only crumble
It can take days, months, or even years
Eventually becoming a pile of ashes and dust
Before memories solely remain
But what would happen if I tried to forget
Every moment my heart skipped a beat
From how beautiful you always were to me?
Would every conversation linger still in my brain?
I'll have you know that my eyes glow with regret
When I look up at the ceiling as I lie awake at night
Our conversations ringing in my head
They're all that helps me fall asleep anymore
No thanks to the absence of your voice in my ear
I found solace in your imperfect company
And I took comfort in knowing you loved me
But love can make you blind to the obvious truth
Because this whole time, our love was genuinely dead
I just didn't want to admit to myself that I was giving up
And you were no longer worth fighting for
If I could let you in on a secret, my dear
It wasn't hard falling in love with you
Although I was afraid of making a mistake
But now that you've disappeared
Becoming a figment of my imagination
It's much harder for me to fall asleep without you
I don't know how much more of this I can take
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11. |
I Don't Love You Anymore
02:14
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I know some things are better left unsaid
But I wish "I love you" never escaped my lips
At least I wish I didn't say it to you
Because even before my confession hit your ears
Our love was already pronounced dead
Maybe I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time
Trapped in another sinking relationship
I would have kept my emotions to myself if I only knew
How the last three years were going to end
Fighting off the loneliness in my head
And spending most nights gripping a pen
I went from finding solace in your company
To desperately searching for any solace at all
Especially when I can't turn to my closest friends
I need to stop spending so much time in my bed
Running through mistakes I've made
Because my mistakes will never make me
Even if I make the same ones again
They say it's better to have loved and lost
Than to have never loved at all
But unless you've truly been in love
You won't know how it genuinely feels
When you've crossed the edge
And you realize that you've begun to fall
You know, it's kind of ironic
The more I think about what happened
The more I realize I had no problems falling for you
But my biggest fear is falling from great heights
Maybe I put too much faith in us
Maybe I trusted myself a little too much
You could always read my face like an open book
But you should've been reading our last rites
Your smile fooled me into thinking you were fine
It's your heart that decayed from the inside out
What's worse is you were living in a glass home
And one more "I love you" is all it took
For both your heart and your home to come crashing down
Exposing your insecurities once more
Making the both of us end up completely alone
I'm angry for not seeing through your disguise
And I'm sorry for giving you the benefit of the doubt
Thinking that you could actually come around
I never thought I'd ever actually say this
So these words may possibly come as a surprise
I hope you sleep well in the bed of disgrace you made
There's nothing about you I'll sincerely miss
And I can't wait for the day your memory will fade
I hope you know I don't love you anymore
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12. |
Unholy Matrimony
01:15
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We're all familiar with the concept of death
In which we go from being so full of life
And enjoying all that blissful youth has to offer
To suddenly being greeted by Death himself
Asking for your hand in a vow of unholy matrimony
As you finally succumb to your last breath
Some of us are quick to shake Death's cold hand
Or at least feel his presence in a hospital room
Watching as he steals the life from someone you love
And it breaks your heart knowing the truth
There are just some things you'll never understand
Why does Death take away our loved ones
In the moments we need them the most?
Our hearts and minds can only handle so much
And it hurts more knowing there's nothing you can do
No matter how many photos albums you keep
Or messages you save on the answering machine
They're nothing more than lonely ghosts
That haunt the furthest depths of our dreams
And the only time spent together is in your sleep
You'll see your loved ones again someday
When Death takes your hand in unholy matrimony
You'll smile the moment you see their face
"I've missed you so much," you'll say,
"Let's talk about the way things used to be."
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13. |
Small Seed // Mighty Oak
02:27
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We're always told our loved ones are in a better place
I wish I knew how much of that is really true
I've never been to a funeral in my life
And I've never seen heaven with my own eyes
But don't think I know nothing of death
Because love is the only thing I've seen die
I'll never forget the moment that changed my life
When she said with nothing but a straight face
"Darling, I'm sorry but I just don't love you"
As I struggled to take a single breath
I watched her stab our relationship in the back
And bury our love in a shallow grave
Wiping the blood from her hands as she walked away
She left me alone with my heart in my hands
Looking for the inner peace I suddenly lacked
That inner peace took many years to find
But along the way, I've finally come to realize
That we all have to move on sooner or later
And learn to live with our mistakes
But it's okay to think about the past sometimes
That's why I've built a cemetery in my mind
Lined with gravestones and memories
To remind myself that the past should stay dead
And now I have one more relationship to bury
I read my inner monologues at the wake
Because I'm tired of reading the same eulogies
It was hard laying that relationship to rest
And I thought about jumping headfirst in the coffin
Maybe I'd meet Death for the first time
I'd be fascinated by each and every word he said
Maybe I'd find some inner peace
By accepting the past and hoping for the best
I'd give anything for a chance to speak with Death
How could he just stand by and let our love die?
Something tells me I know what he'd say
And I'd hold my breath as he spoke
"In order to experience love and all its beauty
You must watch as it withers into ashes and dust
Because how can you appreciate true love
When you don't how fast it can be taken away?
Beauty can arise from dirt beneath our feet
And a small seed can bloom into a mighty oak
Rising higher than anyone could ever begin to see
I know you're so desperate for any kind of inner peace
But don't be so quick to give up any chance of hope
Or lose sight of knowing what it means to trust
Because every beautiful forest came from a single seed
Buried in the dirt and fallen leaves below
And like every flower you'll find in the wilderness
Love takes it time to blossom and grow"
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