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Small Seed // Mighty Oak (Deluxe)

by Bradley Ryan

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1.
Eighteen 01:53
lyrics
I've always been a hopeless romantic Just hopeful for the slightest bit of change A clueless smile plastered on my face And naivety coursing through my veins What can I say? I was so young You'd think I would hope for the best Instead I've learned to brace Myself for the absolute worst Now I'm always armed with a pen That I use alongside my sharp tongue Just in case something goes wrong And if you saw where I've been Could you really blame me? I was eighteen when we first met I never believed in love at first sight Until I saw your face for the first time You were absolutely beautiful But looks can be deceiving And I saw you in the wrong light You're just another mistake On a list that keeps growing each day It took three long years To find some peace of mind And come to terms with the fact that I've made many mistakes in my life But my mistakes haven't made me I won't let you control my life And I won't let you define me You can try all you like But you'll never get the best of me Three years have passed since we first met If only I could speak to you one more time There's a lot I never got off my chest I'll let you in on my biggest regret It's that you walked away before I was able To say any of this right to your face But I'll have you know something I'm not writing this for you I'm writing this to let myself know That it's okay to feel so bitter and upset Words have the power to cut deep I have the emotional scars to prove it You deserve to hear every word I say Just know that I'm not sorry for anything
2.
I Can't Afford to Lose Anymore 01:34
lyrics
You know, it's hard to believe sometimes That I went from giving you the world To not giving you a second of my time I used to smile whenever I heard your name But now my fist only clenches with rage Because of how many times you've lied to me Abandoned me or left me to die alone Don't you remember when we were happy? At one time, you felt the same You loved me as much as I loved you Relationships take two to survive And only one to let it die I watched in horror with my own eyes As you stabbed me in the back Then you walked out of my life Wiping your hands clean of any bloodshed And acting like nothing happened How can you sleep at night Knowing well that you abandoned me? I loved you more than I loved myself Was that not good enough for you? I understand that people change And God knows that I've changed so much Over these last few years You can miss so much of your life If you do so much as just blink I haven't been able to sleep for months Maybe something's wrong with me Because I do almost nothing but think About whether or not what I did was right That's what I get for having a conscious Lately my heart and my mind have been at war And I'm not sure which side to take No matter what I do, I'm losing this fight It's just I can't afford to lose anything anymore Or go through one more heartbreak I've already taken so many hits I just wish things didn't have to change But sometimes you just have to accept defeat And make the best of it
3.
I Hate to Say I Told You So 01:28
lyrics
I've lost a lot of friends in the last few years Make no mistake, none of them are dead It's just that I'm dead to all of them My bed is a coffin, my room is a grave Just lock the door and leave me alone Since everyone I love eventually disappears My former friends tell me they keep seeing red I don't know if it's because I'm bleeding Or because they're annoyed with my actions Trust me, I know why they abandoned me And I can't blame them at all If were them, I'd abandon me, too All they were trying to do was warn me But I wouldn't heed their advice To sever ties with a woman I loved How is it everyone could see her true colors, But I wasn't looking at the same hue? You have no idea how many times I've heard "Well, I hate to say I told you so" I hear it in every conversation I'm well aware I paid the price For keeping my head above water Even when our relationship started sinking I should have swam for shore As soon as I saw the storm's creation But that's not how I was raised Never give up when times are tough Even when you don't want to fight anymore Nothing worth having comes easy You'll do anything for the ones you love But sometimes love just isn't enough
4.
Brothers and Sisters 01:13
lyrics
Although I've lost many friends Because of my own foolish mistakes I must give thanks to those who have stayed And those who have never left my side Even when my heart and my mind have strayed Thank you all for being apart of my life I never meant to push anyone away But I finally know what it's like to feel alone No one understanding your pain I spend most of my time circling my own mind But I've learned to take comfort in it If I tell myself enough that I'm not insane Does that mean I'm merely lying to myself Or that I'm absolutely fine? Just because I prefer the company of me, myself, and I Doesn't mean that I've always felt alone You can feel alone in a crowded room And that's how I've felt for years But the sound of small talk masks my screaming Even when I've felt completely alone And faced with my darkest moments, At least one of you has come to my rescue And I can't thank you enough You're all brothers and sisters to me Some of you may be miles away But as far as I'm concerned I'll never be alone again Distance never transcends love
5.
Accepting Defeat 01:19
lyrics
I've always been scared of falling in love Because falling implies losing your balance You don't want to fall headfirst You'll make a mess on the concrete But what if you get pushed over the edge? Will somebody be there to catch you? Maybe it was my fault she walked away Maybe everything I did wasn't good enough I should really stop beating myself up over this My eyes are already black and blue Life keeps pushing me down I'm just too tired to keep taking hits Sometimes you just need to accept defeat In order to move on with your life I haven't been myself these last few years I don’t even know who I am anymore I've tried to explain my situation But no one ever has the time to listen I've been running around my own mind Looking for any kind of salvation Every time I think I've found a way out It's only led to another locked door When one door closes, another should open But how can I know what I'm supposed to find When I haven't seen it with my own eyes? It turns out I knew the answer all along All it took was just acceptance There's nothing I can do to change the past And instead of always dwelling on it All I can really do is move on
6.
I Don't Miss You Anymore 01:00
lyrics
Before I say anything else, Let me make something clear to you I don't miss you anymore I'm fine with you out of my life I suppose I just miss what we had We were happy at one point in time But those memories don't mean a thing When you did nothing but lie to my face I know I can't change the past But one thought keeps crossing my mind I wish you weren't the one I fell for Be honest with me, darling Did you mean a single word you said? Our first conversation is a blur to me But I'll have trouble forgetting our last I'll always remember how I felt When you told me you never cared My heart tightened in my chest I was so angry but that's when I knew Our love was finally dead And if there's one thing I learned In the aftermath of your sudden absence It's that I've come to accept that I deserve the best And it sure as hell was never you
7.
Alone But Alive 03:40
lyrics
During these last three years I've gone through a vast array of emotions Ranging from happiness to hatred All regarding the same person I didn't know it was possible For someone to reveal every side of you Even the ones you don't want them to see My eyes feel alone in a crowded room My bones feel like they have been broken My mind feels tired of fighting a losing battle My heart feels increasingly bitter Towards the way you said goodbye You may have given up on us But I'll never let you take the best of me Don't you dare call me a quitter I might be alone in my own mind At least I can take solace in knowing I'm still alive It's going to take some time But I'll put myself back together Even if it has to be piece by piece I don't care how intricate I have to be Even if it ends up taking forever Just as long as I find some inner peace If one day you decide to hear this I don't know where you'll be when that happens I'm not sure if that really matters, though You deserve to hear every single word I'm saying But I'm not writing this for you That's a fact I never want you to forget You're not worth the ink in my pen Or the words in my head There are some things that you still must know Including how you're my biggest regret I just need a way to vent my frustrations I don't know who I'm more angry with You or the man that stares back at me in the mirror There's no excuse for what you did But there's no excuse for why I let it happen Maybe it was because I was in love I don't really know what love is anymore But I'll cross that bridge when I get there I'm just looking forward to the day I move on Instead of anger, I'll finally feel nothing Whenever I hear your name in my ear Maybe you won't cross my mind at all Oh, how I'd love for that to become a reality In the end, it's all I ask for I don't expect this to happen overnight But as long as I have my friends at my side It'll take some time but I know I'll be alright Last night, I swear you came to my house And gave me nothing but a halfhearted apology I couldn't understand a word you were saying Between the lines I could read I wasn’t sure if it was for everything you did Or all the lies you told so perfectly I wish you always told the truth Because every word meant the world to me Even when it was nothing but small talk And I believed every "I love you" I hung onto every conversation we ever had Even when neither of us said a word And all I heard was the sound of you breathing Because you were fast asleep I could never stop thinking just how lucky I was But now I'm lucky to go a day Without letting the lies you told cut deep I stopped believing you months ago I also couldn't believe you were apologizing You're not the type to admit when you're wrong Even though we both could see the evidence Before you could admit that being mentally ill Isn't an excuse you can use to justify your behavior Let alone string somebody along I opened my eyes to find it was all a dream I wasn't surprised that you hadn't changed There's no way you ever will But that's not my problem anymore Now I can dedicate all of my time To bettering myself and finally moving on Maybe one day you'll hear me scream At top the of my lungs to the world "I might be alone but I'm still alive"
8.
Through My Veins 01:05
lyrics
At one point when our lives intertwined Your love had the power to make me feel alive But now that you've left without a trace I feel more alone than I have in years You left me with so many questions None of which I can find the answers to But at the moment, I'm just trying to survive Searching for any pieces I might have forgotten In the rubble that was once our relationship I really should have seen this coming I saw the smile slowly disappear from your face As I shook hands with my biggest fears I never really wanted to lose you But loneliness runs through my veins I'm not sure why I thought you would stay Maybe I just wanted to believe a lie A lie that meant the world to me A lie that I told myself every single day I loved you more than myself And it truly pains me to say But I made the mistake of believing one thing That you loved me the exact same way
9.
Distant 01:08
lyrics
I have to be honest with you, darling I don't think I can take another day of this Unless I'm okay with going insane Then in that case, please never change How we could go from being so in love And ignoring the endless miles of state lines To watching in horror as our hearts became colder As we grew distant within each other's minds? No longer can I hide from the obvious pain And now my heart breaks in retrospect Because I sat in complete silence The moment I saw the early warning signs Don't tell me I didn't try to save us And don't you dare tell me I was the one who gave up I screamed at the top of my lungs It's not my fault you weren't the one listening I did everything I possibly could And the worst part is that it wasn’t good enough I just wanted to feel good enough for once As I thought we were getting closer to the end But the tide rolled in, washing you away And we became distant yet again
10.
Harder to Fall Asleep 01:54
lyrics
Ever since I was a small child Looking at the world through innocent eyes Love has always begged one question How can I fall without knowing where I'll land? That's where the beauty of loving another lies Sometimes you just have to follow your heart Even when your mind expresses objection You can only hope for the best as you take the dive Holding them close so you'll never drift apart While trusting them to never let go of your hand We're told to put faith in the things we can't see And without a sense of unconditional trust A relationship will only crumble It can take days, months, or even years Eventually becoming a pile of ashes and dust Before memories solely remain But what would happen if I tried to forget Every moment my heart skipped a beat From how beautiful you always were to me? Would every conversation linger still in my brain? I'll have you know that my eyes glow with regret When I look up at the ceiling as I lie awake at night Our conversations ringing in my head They're all that helps me fall asleep anymore No thanks to the absence of your voice in my ear I found solace in your imperfect company And I took comfort in knowing you loved me But love can make you blind to the obvious truth Because this whole time, our love was genuinely dead I just didn't want to admit to myself that I was giving up And you were no longer worth fighting for If I could let you in on a secret, my dear It wasn't hard falling in love with you Although I was afraid of making a mistake But now that you've disappeared Becoming a figment of my imagination It's much harder for me to fall asleep without you I don't know how much more of this I can take
11.
I Don't Love You Anymore 02:14
lyrics
I know some things are better left unsaid But I wish "I love you" never escaped my lips At least I wish I didn't say it to you Because even before my confession hit your ears Our love was already pronounced dead Maybe I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time Trapped in another sinking relationship I would have kept my emotions to myself if I only knew How the last three years were going to end Fighting off the loneliness in my head And spending most nights gripping a pen I went from finding solace in your company To desperately searching for any solace at all Especially when I can't turn to my closest friends I need to stop spending so much time in my bed Running through mistakes I've made Because my mistakes will never make me Even if I make the same ones again They say it's better to have loved and lost Than to have never loved at all But unless you've truly been in love You won't know how it genuinely feels When you've crossed the edge And you realize that you've begun to fall You know, it's kind of ironic The more I think about what happened The more I realize I had no problems falling for you But my biggest fear is falling from great heights Maybe I put too much faith in us Maybe I trusted myself a little too much You could always read my face like an open book But you should've been reading our last rites Your smile fooled me into thinking you were fine It's your heart that decayed from the inside out What's worse is you were living in a glass home And one more "I love you" is all it took For both your heart and your home to come crashing down Exposing your insecurities once more Making the both of us end up completely alone I'm angry for not seeing through your disguise And I'm sorry for giving you the benefit of the doubt Thinking that you could actually come around I never thought I'd ever actually say this So these words may possibly come as a surprise I hope you sleep well in the bed of disgrace you made There's nothing about you I'll sincerely miss And I can't wait for the day your memory will fade I hope you know I don't love you anymore
12.
Unholy Matrimony 01:15
lyrics
We're all familiar with the concept of death In which we go from being so full of life And enjoying all that blissful youth has to offer To suddenly being greeted by Death himself Asking for your hand in a vow of unholy matrimony As you finally succumb to your last breath Some of us are quick to shake Death's cold hand Or at least feel his presence in a hospital room Watching as he steals the life from someone you love And it breaks your heart knowing the truth There are just some things you'll never understand Why does Death take away our loved ones In the moments we need them the most? Our hearts and minds can only handle so much And it hurts more knowing there's nothing you can do No matter how many photos albums you keep Or messages you save on the answering machine They're nothing more than lonely ghosts That haunt the furthest depths of our dreams And the only time spent together is in your sleep You'll see your loved ones again someday When Death takes your hand in unholy matrimony You'll smile the moment you see their face "I've missed you so much," you'll say, "Let's talk about the way things used to be."
13.
Small Seed // Mighty Oak 02:27
lyrics
We're always told our loved ones are in a better place I wish I knew how much of that is really true I've never been to a funeral in my life And I've never seen heaven with my own eyes But don't think I know nothing of death Because love is the only thing I've seen die I'll never forget the moment that changed my life When she said with nothing but a straight face "Darling, I'm sorry but I just don't love you" As I struggled to take a single breath I watched her stab our relationship in the back And bury our love in a shallow grave Wiping the blood from her hands as she walked away She left me alone with my heart in my hands Looking for the inner peace I suddenly lacked That inner peace took many years to find But along the way, I've finally come to realize That we all have to move on sooner or later And learn to live with our mistakes But it's okay to think about the past sometimes That's why I've built a cemetery in my mind Lined with gravestones and memories To remind myself that the past should stay dead And now I have one more relationship to bury I read my inner monologues at the wake Because I'm tired of reading the same eulogies It was hard laying that relationship to rest And I thought about jumping headfirst in the coffin Maybe I'd meet Death for the first time I'd be fascinated by each and every word he said Maybe I'd find some inner peace By accepting the past and hoping for the best I'd give anything for a chance to speak with Death How could he just stand by and let our love die? Something tells me I know what he'd say And I'd hold my breath as he spoke "In order to experience love and all its beauty You must watch as it withers into ashes and dust Because how can you appreciate true love When you don't how fast it can be taken away? Beauty can arise from dirt beneath our feet And a small seed can bloom into a mighty oak Rising higher than anyone could ever begin to see I know you're so desperate for any kind of inner peace But don't be so quick to give up any chance of hope Or lose sight of knowing what it means to trust Because every beautiful forest came from a single seed Buried in the dirt and fallen leaves below And like every flower you'll find in the wilderness Love takes it time to blossom and grow"

about

A couple of months ago, I released my debut LP, I Don't Miss You / I Don't Love You, composed of two EPs that chronicled my relationship with someone, along with another small EP, entited Small Oak // Mighty Oak, which served as a follow-up to that. Well, I wanted to release a deluxe version of Small Seed, in which I add the double EP / debut album as well, making for a complete experience, if you will. If you want everything in a cohesive package, here you go. I'm absolutely proud of this project, and so I really wanted to do this for some time now. As always, thank you for listening.

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released September 15, 2015

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Bradley Ryan

It's ya boi Bradley Ryan. I write raps sometimes.

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